A 28 year old woman gets hurt by someone she loved dearly, there are no physical scars, but the pain is still there. Its like the question of what came first the chicken or the egg, which comes first forgiving or forgetting and do either actually exist???
I have the hardest time with this one thing, forgiveness. As a Christian you are supposed to forgive because God forgives you your trespasses everyday. I know if God didn’t forgive me, I would be SOL. But it’s so hard. It’s like when a person hurts you, you relive the hurt and its hard moving past it and forgiving them for the many things they did to you. But if you humble yourself and look at it from another perspective, you can see that you possibly hurt them too at one time or another. HUMBLE….SHUMBLE….. Why do we hurt the one’s we love and why do the one’s that supposedly love us hurt us? AHA… supposedly….why do we negate their love just cause they hurt us. Do we love God any less when we are disobedient and don’t do things according to His word? Nope, we don’t. So, why is it so hard to honestly forgive and forget? Glad you asked. I don’t think the forgiving part is the problem, it’s the forgetting. Its like a protective covering over our hearts and our minds. If we let nothing in to hurt us and use what already hurt us as a shield, nothing can get in. But we block all blessings by holding these things against each other. If hurt cant get in, then love is blocked, compassion is blocked, friendship is blocked. WE close ourselves up to simple possibilities because of complex problems. Hmmm…..I will never know what came first, chicken or egg, but I do know that if I really try and I can forgive and forget.
Be Light, Be Real, Be Blessed ~ AA
5.15.2008
SHULLBIT!!!!
I try....daily....not to let trivial things bother me. Like the size 18 chick in the size 0 outfit. Or the 2008 Benz sitting next to my car under the carport in my apartment complex, NI99A buy a house with that car note payment. Or the many not so hott "say lil mama, get at me when you get a chance" dudes that hit me up on myspace. See those trivial and nonsensical things do not bother me. BUT SHULLBIT (shullbit: bullshit that's so bad that you cant get your words out and stuff comes out wrong and all f'd up) like what's going on at work is on a whole nother level. I work hard, I mean I bust my hump at my job that is two degrees beneath me, but I do it to the best of my ability and then some. But to know that people are being rewarded for not doing a GOTTDAMN thing all day........NILL YO SELF!! I know that in corporate America, who you know gets your further than that framed Masters Degree in your momma's living room, so I am not naive to brown nosing. But when did it become okay to reward people for doing absofuckinglutely nothing all day long. It just boggles my mind and has f'ed my up for the moment. I will return to me in a minute but now I must stew.
Be Light, Be Real, Be Blessed ~ AA
Be Light, Be Real, Be Blessed ~ AA
5.06.2008
Having your biblical cake and devils stew……
The question for today is….why is it okay to adhere to and believe in some parts of the bible and not in others? How can you believe that Jesus exists but not believe in consistently going to church and pre-marital sex ……..doesn’t disbelief in one constitute disbelief in the other since they came from the same book???? Is it just me or is that the pot not realizing that he and the kettle came from the same piece of cast iron? Hmmmm….. I don’t know and honestly don’t get it.
Some people call me religious. I was born into the church, went to church 5 ½ out of 7 days from birth to college. I go to church every Sunday. And I believe that everything dealing with premarital sex and not going to church are just wrong. (Disclaimer: I have a 6 year old son and single as all get out, still have sexually immoral thoughts and just became abstinent, still believe it wrong) I am human, but that does not make it right and honestly, I knew I was wrong while doing it. But sex feels GREAT and that’s one temptation that I just couldn’t resist. But again that doesn’t make it right. And I go to church RELIGIOUSLY every Sunday morning. Not because I was bought up that way but because I need that word that is put into me every Sunday in order not to kill a MOFO on Monday morning when I get to work or while driving into work. To some that makes me religious. What exactly is the difference between being religious and spiritual? Is it adhering to tradition, believing what we want to believe and negating everything else or is there ultimately no difference just a humanistic corruption of mindsets? From my viewpoint being spiritual is basically knowing who God and Jesus are, believing in them and that’s about it. AND you don’t have to adhere to the rules and regulations set up in the Bible to govern us and ultimately get us into Heaven. SHULL BIT!!! I have a relationship with God that goes beyond the routine of going to church.
Go with me for a minute, in order to get into the college of your choice, you must do good in high school, deal with teachers you don’t like, attend class everyday or 98% of the time, and study. Then in order to be the best in your career, in college , you have to study, get GREAT grades on exams, again deal with teachers you don’t like and attend class. Okay so if we are willing to pursue that mindset with education why not pursue that mindset with your soul. You have to go class to get the grade and get the lessons needed to pass the test. CHURCH IS EXACTLY THE SAME WAY!! Okay you don’t like your minister, you think he is a thief and he sleeps with all the women in the church, SO WHAT! Change churches!!! You would change your Calculus Class if your teacher wasn’t teaching you but you wouldn’t just drop it, because you need that class to graduate. We need to stop labeling things and making excuses for laziness. Going to church is about nurturing and educating your soul and preparing it for what the devil is going to throw at you. Is the devil something spiritual people believe in???? I don’t know. I am neither religious nor spiritual, I am a child of God and Jesus is my Lord and Savior…..I got to church because it feeds my soul and prepares me for what is about to happen in my life. You remember in school, attendance was a certain percentage of your overall grade. So, if I am human, born into a sinful world and sin daily, meaning I am getting D’s in that portion of the class, shouldn’t I try to at least make sure my participation and attendance grades are A’s. Most times when you are participating and attending class you can’t help but learn things that are going to benefit you, which in the end affects your overall grade. I want a final grade of A…………. B’s and C’s are not me…….so I will continue do what I need to pass the most important test……..
Be Light, Be Real, Be Blessed ~ AA
Some people call me religious. I was born into the church, went to church 5 ½ out of 7 days from birth to college. I go to church every Sunday. And I believe that everything dealing with premarital sex and not going to church are just wrong. (Disclaimer: I have a 6 year old son and single as all get out, still have sexually immoral thoughts and just became abstinent, still believe it wrong) I am human, but that does not make it right and honestly, I knew I was wrong while doing it. But sex feels GREAT and that’s one temptation that I just couldn’t resist. But again that doesn’t make it right. And I go to church RELIGIOUSLY every Sunday morning. Not because I was bought up that way but because I need that word that is put into me every Sunday in order not to kill a MOFO on Monday morning when I get to work or while driving into work. To some that makes me religious. What exactly is the difference between being religious and spiritual? Is it adhering to tradition, believing what we want to believe and negating everything else or is there ultimately no difference just a humanistic corruption of mindsets? From my viewpoint being spiritual is basically knowing who God and Jesus are, believing in them and that’s about it. AND you don’t have to adhere to the rules and regulations set up in the Bible to govern us and ultimately get us into Heaven. SHULL BIT!!! I have a relationship with God that goes beyond the routine of going to church.
Go with me for a minute, in order to get into the college of your choice, you must do good in high school, deal with teachers you don’t like, attend class everyday or 98% of the time, and study. Then in order to be the best in your career, in college , you have to study, get GREAT grades on exams, again deal with teachers you don’t like and attend class. Okay so if we are willing to pursue that mindset with education why not pursue that mindset with your soul. You have to go class to get the grade and get the lessons needed to pass the test. CHURCH IS EXACTLY THE SAME WAY!! Okay you don’t like your minister, you think he is a thief and he sleeps with all the women in the church, SO WHAT! Change churches!!! You would change your Calculus Class if your teacher wasn’t teaching you but you wouldn’t just drop it, because you need that class to graduate. We need to stop labeling things and making excuses for laziness. Going to church is about nurturing and educating your soul and preparing it for what the devil is going to throw at you. Is the devil something spiritual people believe in???? I don’t know. I am neither religious nor spiritual, I am a child of God and Jesus is my Lord and Savior…..I got to church because it feeds my soul and prepares me for what is about to happen in my life. You remember in school, attendance was a certain percentage of your overall grade. So, if I am human, born into a sinful world and sin daily, meaning I am getting D’s in that portion of the class, shouldn’t I try to at least make sure my participation and attendance grades are A’s. Most times when you are participating and attending class you can’t help but learn things that are going to benefit you, which in the end affects your overall grade. I want a final grade of A…………. B’s and C’s are not me…….so I will continue do what I need to pass the most important test……..
Be Light, Be Real, Be Blessed ~ AA
4.28.2008
Here's a $10....keep the change.....
This past weekend, I went to a spot to celebrate my homegirl's homeboys birthday. As always we are 'ME I'M SUPER FLY....SUPER DUPER FLY' when we walk up in the spot. Being that I want to be a pool shark when I grow up, my girl immediately smells balls and informs me of the Oasis that I love to chill at in everywhere I go. So we head to the back, grab some balls and hit the green. We set up said balls, measure/weight our sticks and out of now where.....OLD and OLDER come try to holla. They ask why would be pay to play when we could just join them. I look her, she looks at me.....COOL. (MISTAKE #1) From this point on they are trying to holla. My dude was 41, an easy 300, with no swagger and a terrible pool game. Her dude was easily 50, not big and a so-so pool player. So for the next game we are gawked at, talked dirty to and felt on. Then they buy my girl A drink which in the Man Law book automatically entitles them to all of our time and attention for the rest of the night. NILL YO SELF!!! (NILL: Nigga Kill) Which leads me to the point of my blog......
Why is it that when a man buys a drink for a lady that he is interested in she is automatically off limits to every other cat in the place??? First it was a drink not a diamond engagement ring. Second the drink was $7.50 not $750. Third the drink wasnt even that strong. Fourth I know you offered because you thought that it would give you more time with me, BUT you were wrong... thank you for the drink enjoy your night!!! This is exactly why I dont take drinks from dudes that are trying to holla. I will buy your ass a drink just so you can leave me the hell alone, which would make us even. I don't owe you, you don't owe me. We good!!! So like I said, here is $10, keep the change.....
Be Light, Be Real, Be Blessed ~ AA
Why is it that when a man buys a drink for a lady that he is interested in she is automatically off limits to every other cat in the place??? First it was a drink not a diamond engagement ring. Second the drink was $7.50 not $750. Third the drink wasnt even that strong. Fourth I know you offered because you thought that it would give you more time with me, BUT you were wrong... thank you for the drink enjoy your night!!! This is exactly why I dont take drinks from dudes that are trying to holla. I will buy your ass a drink just so you can leave me the hell alone, which would make us even. I don't owe you, you don't owe me. We good!!! So like I said, here is $10, keep the change.....
Be Light, Be Real, Be Blessed ~ AA
4.25.2008
A Road Less Traveled…..maybe not even on the map…..
So why abstinence? First let me say that I have nothing against sex. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE sex…….every aspect, detail, feeling, stimulate….well you get it of sex.
So its not the act itself. I chose to be abstinent because I simply was tired of ‘Random Acts of Sexaul Kindness’, this is my favorite phrase. You know how that goes, you talk to a guy, you’re feeling him, he’s feeling you but neither of you want a relationship right now but you sleep together. Or you meet some guy, he’s cool, you sleep together. It’s not necessarily the sex but rather the leisurely way in which people are having it. Nowadays having sex is like cuddling a rabid dog, you wear protective gear just in case it bites you. It doesn’t but 5 days later you’re itching. He had fleas!! DAMN DOG! You protected yourself against one thing but something else got you. You might as well just go ahead, get the gun and play Russian Roulette, you might come out better. Okay….side tracked…..people are putting rabbits to shame with the frequency and abundance of sexual partners which leads to the increase of STD and AIDS cases. I know that I can contract an STD or AIDS from within a relationship but HELL at least I would only have one phone call to make and one ass to kick. I don’t have to open Outlook and say, “hmmmmm…..who was I with from (fill in random date range)”…that’s SHULLBIT!!! So I am only abstinent to the randomness of it all. I still want to have sex but it would have to be with the guy who is ready to settle down and who can see pass the clit and his dick and see a future with me. Is that too much to ask or should I just start buying cats now because I will be an old single spinster with 40 cats???? Let me know I can handle the truth…..LOL…
Be Light, Be Real, Be Blessed ~ AA
So its not the act itself. I chose to be abstinent because I simply was tired of ‘Random Acts of Sexaul Kindness’, this is my favorite phrase. You know how that goes, you talk to a guy, you’re feeling him, he’s feeling you but neither of you want a relationship right now but you sleep together. Or you meet some guy, he’s cool, you sleep together. It’s not necessarily the sex but rather the leisurely way in which people are having it. Nowadays having sex is like cuddling a rabid dog, you wear protective gear just in case it bites you. It doesn’t but 5 days later you’re itching. He had fleas!! DAMN DOG! You protected yourself against one thing but something else got you. You might as well just go ahead, get the gun and play Russian Roulette, you might come out better. Okay….side tracked…..people are putting rabbits to shame with the frequency and abundance of sexual partners which leads to the increase of STD and AIDS cases. I know that I can contract an STD or AIDS from within a relationship but HELL at least I would only have one phone call to make and one ass to kick. I don’t have to open Outlook and say, “hmmmmm…..who was I with from (fill in random date range)”…that’s SHULLBIT!!! So I am only abstinent to the randomness of it all. I still want to have sex but it would have to be with the guy who is ready to settle down and who can see pass the clit and his dick and see a future with me. Is that too much to ask or should I just start buying cats now because I will be an old single spinster with 40 cats???? Let me know I can handle the truth…..LOL…
Be Light, Be Real, Be Blessed ~ AA
4.23.2008
Abcdely Acceptable
Okay...how do I start?!?!?! just type... This is my diary into the many changes that are prayerfully going to happen within 2008. I was going to start this blog ages ago, well December 30, 2007, which is the day that I decided to give up sex, but time and life has gotten away. But no point in crying over spilt milk. Here we are April 23rd...3 months and 23 days into my abstinence and I am doing okay. But I do feel a bit like a social pariah. In the last 3 months and 23 days I have heard every excuse as to how dumb it is to be abstinent from males and females. I am so glad I am not easily persuaded or I would've given into the peer pressure. GEESH can we all not be so addicted to 'Acts of Sexual Kindness' with random potential carriers of GonasyphaherpaAIDS!!! I will not go back and divulge the trials that I endured....okay maybe not so much as trials but minor irritations and aggrevations that brought me to this point. But I will however write about the brain wrinkle removing yawn invoking goings on in my life from here on out. I exit today with this piece:
Hey baby,
say baby,
no baby,
wait baby,
why baby,
BYE baby,
see we discussed the deal about the seal between my legs before I knew your whole name,
but you thought your words, smooth tongue and your promises were going to make me fall victim to your played out game.
See this right here is not about you, its about me,
waiting and wanting something real that obviously you are too impatient to be.
You're so use to those legs that are automatically opening for you, Joe, Jim and Tyrone,
that you are about to make me leave you the hell alone.
You are free to go if you dont comprehend,
that I dont need a boy with a hard dick but a man that understands.
You gently whisper, I don’t see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind
Not understanding that you will not only fuck my body,
But your sex could also fuck with my mind.
I am a woman who enjoys that level of initmacy with a man,
I have been there, done that, and got a t-shirt.
I refuse to keep repeating the same mistakes and going through the same hurt.
So can you please stop asking me, "Are you a lesbian?" and making childish references to the needs of your man man,
If you need some that bad, use your right or left hand.
Or better yet go out there in the world of GonasyphaherpaAIDS
and play catch me if you can.
See this right is about me abstaining from the desires I want,
So that God can supply my needs.
I want to be available for the man who wants that real intimacy,
that unfortunately for you does not include you making this monkey climb your tree.
Baby what you fail to understand is that no one can do this woman like God can.
And if He wants me to renew my virginity
until He fulfills in me the things that He wants me to be,
Then no man, especially you, can make or break me.
I want that intimacy from the man who's dick was created for this,
not some boy who assumes he's a man because his dick gets hard and he can stand up and piss.
So yes baby as i said before,
wait baby,
No baby,
Bye baby, your silly ass is blocking a real man from coming in my door.
Be Light, Be Real, Be Blessed ~ AA
Hey baby,
say baby,
no baby,
wait baby,
why baby,
BYE baby,
see we discussed the deal about the seal between my legs before I knew your whole name,
but you thought your words, smooth tongue and your promises were going to make me fall victim to your played out game.
See this right here is not about you, its about me,
waiting and wanting something real that obviously you are too impatient to be.
You're so use to those legs that are automatically opening for you, Joe, Jim and Tyrone,
that you are about to make me leave you the hell alone.
You are free to go if you dont comprehend,
that I dont need a boy with a hard dick but a man that understands.
You gently whisper, I don’t see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind
Not understanding that you will not only fuck my body,
But your sex could also fuck with my mind.
I am a woman who enjoys that level of initmacy with a man,
I have been there, done that, and got a t-shirt.
I refuse to keep repeating the same mistakes and going through the same hurt.
So can you please stop asking me, "Are you a lesbian?" and making childish references to the needs of your man man,
If you need some that bad, use your right or left hand.
Or better yet go out there in the world of GonasyphaherpaAIDS
and play catch me if you can.
See this right is about me abstaining from the desires I want,
So that God can supply my needs.
I want to be available for the man who wants that real intimacy,
that unfortunately for you does not include you making this monkey climb your tree.
Baby what you fail to understand is that no one can do this woman like God can.
And if He wants me to renew my virginity
until He fulfills in me the things that He wants me to be,
Then no man, especially you, can make or break me.
I want that intimacy from the man who's dick was created for this,
not some boy who assumes he's a man because his dick gets hard and he can stand up and piss.
So yes baby as i said before,
wait baby,
No baby,
Bye baby, your silly ass is blocking a real man from coming in my door.
Be Light, Be Real, Be Blessed ~ AA
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